Exposing My Weaknesses

This pandemic has exposed one of my weaknesses as a person, I am very bad at keeping in touch. In person contact was my main method of communicating with others. Speaking, even as a person not one to initiate it, was for me the easiest way to catch up with some one. I am just writing shit now. The gist of it is that I forget about people. Out of sight out of mind. It's too late to write flowery language about this. I am shit at keeping in touch. I don't mind when people contact me, I love it, but man, my fatal flaw is that I won't contact them. I am not going to make an excuse, like they probably have a lot going on and I don't want to be a bother to them, it's me.

Time to undo some of my errors.

Knocked back down

Back to 80%. Yesterday i said i was 93%. Well i woke up last night, was dehydrated heart rate up and couldn't sleep. Had troubled breathing all day. It might have been from these two kid slices of pepperoni pizza i ate yesterday. Or a persimmon unpeeled. Either way i am paying for it today. I hate this.

I wish i could run again.

Stay safe out there. I also have no power at my house. Huh

The most complicated puzzle in the history of the entire world

Yo.

What's up.

I am at 93%.

I can use periods.

Maybe even write words.

Maybe not.

This shit isn't cool. I mean. What do I mean? Yeah. Do your best. But only when you want to. Otherwise why try?

No topic just a post.

Rain rain go away

Unstoppable rain
Keeps shooting out my butt hole
I am likely ill

The lack of the outside

It is easy to isolate yourself in today's pandemic world. Today I took it a step further, I stopped consuming all news and information feeds. I didn't go on any social media, didn't go on reddit, didn't watch tv, didn't listen to podcasts, I didn't even listen to the radio or music in the car. I really absolutely do not know what went on today outside of the little I actually experienced first hand.

With the absences of outside information, I put my attention elsewhere, like in ____ and in ____ oh yeah also in _____, ____ was totally rad, _____ was definitely the best tho, _____ was a close second. Believe me I will _____ next.

Yeah fun day. No regrets at all, none. I will do this for now on. I totally don't need the outside, why should I care about anything there? It doesn't affect me directly. "Ignorance is bliss" is such a cliche, god I hate that.

Long Haul Update

90% There.

That's where I'm at. One more month and I'll be back to normal.

I said that a month ago, and I believe I am still at that stage. I don't get extreme fatigue anymore or brain fog. I still have a pounding heartbeat sometimes, and tightness in the chest. I still get bouts of inflammation,  this triggers occasional wheezing in some cases strong enough to warrant a puff of my rescue inhaler.

I need to follow a better diet, a low inflammation diet. I have already cut alcohol, coffee, caffeine, soda. I very much need to cut deep fried foods out.

Sometimes I wake up feeling normal, it feels good. Like I can function normally again, but once a few hours rolls along my heart rate raises and I feel something a miss. I don't know if it is anxiety or if this is triggering anxiety, either way it is anxiety.

I have to avoid any type of stress, emotional, physical, everything. My nervous system is fucked up. When I was at my worst, I would get super jittery, I would physically tremble.

I tried some vagus nerve stimulation which involves humming. It is interesting. I don't know if it is helping, but it is a bit meditative.

My recovery has been slow, a glacial pace, but it is moving in a better area.

On positive news, my relationship with my dad has been better.

Steam

The first awkward date
Started with a bowl of pho
Ended with a kiss

Halloween

Tricking and treating
We did both on that long night
Till we were tired

Kaihu 5

The black in my head
An unsolvable puzzle
Keeps growing darker

Thursaday

Passed out the couch
Unconscious to today's news
Just can't anymore

Palpitations

Beating of my heart
Unnormal palpitations
When I wait for you

Song stuck in my head

Song stuck in my head
Faded by Soul Decision
...It's kinda crazy

Haiku 1 cardigan

The golden sweater
Reminded me of fall leaves
Our steps pushed away

Large meals might be a trigger

I will eat small meals throughout the day

6.5/10

I should be feeling ok in hindsight but i can't. My chest feels like someone is stepping on it and occasionally doing today my heart raced. This has been going on for so long, i want it to stop.

Schedule? What

Yo Covid sucks. I need to set a weekly schedule. So this is a stream of consciousness post. Saturday and Sunday are free. Monday I should be working, get up eat foods, stretch, go to work. After work one hour of yardwork. Eat dinner get dinner. MTGA for one hour. Read for one hour. go to sleep. Shit this is shit. Tuesday, I can copy and paste monday can't I? Maybe instead I'll workout instead of yard work. Switch every other day. What else can be different? Not much. Friday maybe I'll treat myself some how. and Maybe on Thursday I'll write in my blog. That can be doable. I need to print out more pictures. See my work and shit. Do I normally cuss this much, no. Whatev. My favorite word processor is notepad. Do I really need to read for one hour a day? how about TV? The NBA is really good. I haven't even talked about the keyboard I got. I got a Tex Shinobi, ANSI US with Cherry Browns. I like it. This is the first time I am using a mechanical keyboard for an extended period of time. I simply cannot use a keyboard without a trackpoint. But yeah schedule. shithead shithead shithead shithead. 98.2 degrees F 98% spO2 78bpm. I took my blood pressure earlier, strangely low, 107 over 63. I weighed myself in the morning 196. I should lose weight.

I am alive

Playing Magic Arena is like a bad relationship

I should quit that game, but I feel too invested in it. It might give me moments of fun, but most of the time it's just a chore, going through the motions.

2020

Whoa, what a shit year. Fuck this. I can't even get a bubble bath in peace.

It’s weird

I'll having the greatest time of my life. Everything is looking good. I am sitting outside my house right now. Just in case. I have a great family.

Move Over Ira Glass

Roman Mars is now my favorite public radio/podcast personality!

The last day of the month

To the people that have sacrificed in favor of a better life. The last day of the month is what tadpoles sing when they escape from their soft shell. This is that day. A day that I completely made up. A day that man has completely made up. The notion that there is a last day of a month, or a concept of a month itself.

Leap day

On feb 29, a leap day happens. It's an extra day of the day. What would be March 1 becomes February 29. Do something special, for example, dodo on the toilet backwards.

Thank you.